MONTAUK, NY—Badly shaken by what he had just witnessed, local boy Peter Danielson, 12, expressed shock Monday after a brief glimpse of his father’s toenails offered a terrifying vision of his future.PEORIA, IL—Wildly speculating about the tantalizing pleasures awaiting just out of reach, sleepover guests at the Rudder household reportedly could only wonder Friday what mysterious delights lie tucked inside the off-limits upstairs room.SANTA CRUZ, CA—Carefully inspecting the rows in hopes of deciphering the right configuration among thousands, local woman Mary Molatino was reportedly rearranging the condiments in her refrigerator door Friday like she was working on a puzzle in an ancient tomb.PHILADELPHIA—Confirming their findings were consistent across all observed locations and at all times of day, a report released Thursday by researchers at the University of Pennsylvania found that 15 percent of cars in mall parking lots are occupied by family members who stormed out to the vehicles following a heated argument.Eventually they realise they love each other and they want more than just the physical connection and they all live happily ever after. Before you know it, things are getting serious and that’s when a message from your f*ck buddy pops up, “Hey, what night are you free this week? Firstly, you have two options: Ah, the age-old trick.What once was ignoring someone’s phone calls and creepy house drive-bys has turned into ignoring their Facebook and text messages, sub tweets and snapchats.
Somehow we’ve replaced girl/boyfriends with fuck buddies. Nowadays people have side chicks and boy toys—yes plural. As we browse through these articles, we nod our heads in agreement but let’s be honest: we are all guilty of “going with the flow.” Nobody wants to be a party pooper. If you have a little bit more heart than those who ghost, perhaps think of giving them a call or even just a message.If you have found someone else or things are just fizzling out, let them know gently.TOLEDO, OH—The end looming closer and closer with each additional meal, the period of time in which local parents Mark and Yasmin Miller could be proud of how much their child can eat was quickly dwindling, sources confirmed Tuesday.SAN ANTONIO—Shuddering as he recalled the details of the traumatic encounter, local man Christopher Gao told reporters Thursday that he walked in on one of his roommates having his way with his leftovers in the kitchen.We complain about it constantly, but, like a bad habit, we just can’t kick this addiction. Well it’s simple: it’s fun and a trillion times easier than maintaining the mini-marriage we call relationships. We’ve all seen the fuck-ton loads of articles urging for change, questioning ‘what the fuck is happening with this generation? I mean, what happened to old-fashioned first dates? We’ve all been the recipient and the sender of casual texts on late Friday nights.